Never Again

I can't believe that my baby girl turned one month old on Saturday... it's hard to believe that she's growing so fast, or so much! She's turned into quite the little chunk over the past couple weeks, to the point where her cheeks are starting to fall off of her cute little face! I just can't believe that I made something so beautiful... so ALIVE. I couldn't even keep a goldfish alive for a few days, so the idea that I will raise a tiny human being for the next eighteen years blows my mind. Not that I don't like the idea, because I absolutely embrace it wholeheartedly. I'm just... scared I guess. I'm sure that they're the typical fears that every new parent has, but I don't want to be a disappointment. I want to be somebody that my daughter can love AND respect. That in this day & age seems to be a rarity.

So far, my experience as a single Mother has been both trying & rewarding. I'm still struggling with the sporadic sleep schedule & trying to stay on top of pumping (since God had to give me flat nipples just to spite me), but I haven't struggled with the constant diaper changes like I thought I would. In fact, Motherhood comes somewhat as a second nature to me, even though I never really had much experience with babies before I had Ivy. I love having a purpose to my life... I love having somebody to love & I love being loved unconditionally. It's not a love that I'm used to... in fact, I'm not sure I ever really felt real love from anyone the way I feel is from my daughter every time I hold her in my arms & sing her to sleep. Nothing could ever be more real, & I look forward to watching her grow & being there for those precious little moments that mean so much...

I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be the Mother of such a perfect baby girl. I cant believe I was blessed with the stupidity to create such a wonderful accident inn the first place, & I will never ever regret that night. It gave me something to live for... somebody to care for while everyone else that I thought mattered walked out of my life. I am SO grateful that I amfinnally strong enough to let go, for Ivy's sake. I was holding on to something that I never really had in the first place, but now I have something to live for, & he'll never hurt me again.

It's Over

It's strange to think that after everything, it's finally come to an end. After a little over a year, it's finally time to say goodbye to somebody I believed would be by my side for the rest of my life... & I'm finally okay with that. I couldn't spend my whole life waiting on him to fight for me or our daughter, because it would never happen. I'm grateful it's ended, so I can finally make a new life. This time around, I'm going to learn from my mistakes... I'm going to do what makes me happy instead of what makes everyone else happy. I'm going to live in the moment, & I'm eventually, I'm going to allow myself to love again. I owe it to Ivy. It's too late for Shaun now, but it's not too late for me to find happiness... & that is exactly what I plan on doing.

All We Have is Who We Are

When it comes down to it, nothing ever really lasts forever. Everything eventually crumbles, turns to dust, & is lost to the wind. Even love. If that's what it really was... Hell, I'm not sure Iknow what love is anymore. Every idea I ever had on the topic of love has been quickly crushed in the past two & a half weeks since my daughter was born, & it truly makes me sick. This isn't what I wanted for us. This isn't what parenthood is all about. At least, I didn't think so. I thought it was about being a family & looking past your partners flaws & insecurities to make each other happy... to show our daughter what love really looks like. Now I'm afraid she'll never know, because I won't find it with anyone else. I can't. I gave my heart to Shaun, & I can't let go of what we had, even though I know that we can no longer be together.

I'm hoping that I can find the strength & the courage to move on for Ivy. As much as I love her father, I can't wait forever for somebody who wouldn't fight for me. I'm not saying that I'll be jumping into someone elses arms right away, because that isn't what I mean by moving on. I just pray that I can be brave enough in my heart to say goodbye to what no longer serves me, grows me, or makes me happy. Even if it is the boy I never stopped believing in...

So here I am. Back to square one. Back to wandering around, looking for a greater purpose.For some kind of direction. I'm struggling to remember who I was before Shaun came along... I know that I was independent, & headstrong. I didn't tolerate bullshit from anyone, which honestly makes me wonder how I ever ended up with him. I never would have put myself through half the Hell I've been through this past year over a silly boy. I would have put an end to it before it ever began. It doesn't mean I love him any less for what he's put me through... but I can't go through it again. I have to be strong for Ivy.