I Just Don't Wanna Feel

I'm tired of hurting. I wish there was a way I could simply turn my humanity off so I'd never have to feel again, but it isn't that simple. Sometimes I think that I'm okay... But in all reality, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll always be this miserable... This ALONE. I can't trust anyone, so who could I possibly turn to? The only one who ever really understood me is too broken to get involved in my problems, & I can't blame him because I was the one who broke him. Well, I suppose I was the last to break him... Because I'm not quite sure that he was ever really whole in the first place.

I never thought I'd be wasting my life feeling this way... Paying for my mistakes to the point that its impossible to move forward from them. They say that we are products of our past, bit we don't have to be prisoners of it. They're wrong... Some of us can't help ourselves, because sometimes the past is all we have left. Sometimes the only good part of our lives is our memories. Its tragic, but sometimes we don't have any reason to keep fighting. True, I have Ivy... But sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not enough. I want more than I could every dream of giving her. She deserves the world on a silver platter & UK never be able to give her that... But that won't stop me from trying.

I just want to know that there is more to life than heartbreak & the endless longing for somebody to love, & somebody who will return that love. After today, I'm not sure anybody is capable of true love. It just goes to show that you really can't trust anyone & that even when things seem to be looking up, reality will always kick back in & remind us how miserable we really are. Human beings are so pathetic. Weak creatures of habit... Some things can be changed, but in the end it seems to be our worst traits that define who we are as individuals. I fall too hard & trust too easily, which resulted in a miserable cycle of failed relationships. I'm not sure I could trust myself to be I'm another relationship... After the last one, I'm beginning to realize that I will always be broken. Ivy really is all I have to live for. If I didn't have her, I would have given up long ago. She's my life. She saved me from myself. That's more than I deserve.