Kaytee Anna

My idol responded to my post on Instagram! You should totally like Kaytee Anna on Facebook & read her story in PUSH magazine. She's so inspirational, & I can't believe she took the time to respond to a fan!

My Big Girl

Almost thirteen weeks... She's growing too fast!

A Fresh Start

Things are FINALLY looking up! Not only do Ivy & I get to move into our new home this weekend, but I'll be able to start work soon as well! I'm so relieved to be moving closer to Grandma, & I'll be right around the corner from one of my oldest, closest friends so I won't isolated like I was out in BFE. Not to mention... Once I start working, I'll be able to start saving for my car. It won't be long until I will be 100% independent, & I can honestly say that the timing couldn't have been better.

I think I'm especially excited to be in a familiar neighborhood. The bus goes right to trax, the Red Lantern & Asian City is right around the corner, & I'm close enough that I can continue going to church & Ivy's Doctor is pretty much within walking distance. I hated Eagle Mountain because I never really saw anyone very often & I couldn't even walk to a gas station, because there wasn't one for miles. Now everything is within walking distance & Ivy & I will finally be in a positive environment, away from all the fighting & high strung emotions.

I've come to the realization that I just don't do families. I'm not cut out for it... I'm better off looking out for myself & for my daughter. This new home is perfect for us, & I can't wait to get settled.

P!nk on Crack

Ew... Never again will I let somebody else color my hair. I'm supposed to be a red head, not an old school P!nk. I can't rock it like her, but I honestly wasn't trying to. I feel ridiculous. I can't wait to start work so I can get this fixed!

Kimmie's Instagram Shoot

I Just Don't Give a Fuck

I've been too worried for too long about what others thought about me. The only person that really matters is my baby girl. As long as I'm living every day with her well being in mind & striving to make her proud, nothing else matters. I'm proud of who I am, & nothing anybody can say will make me feel otherwise.

I Could Use Somebody... Someone Like You

I think we are finally starting to work things out... At least, I hope so. I have a lot of wrongs to make up for & we both have a lot of wounds that are going to take quite some time to heal, but I'm not giving up on him. He's given me chances I didn't deserve over & over again, & when it contra down to it... He's worth the fight. He's the only guy I know that would never lie to me, cheat on me, or walk out on me. He's always been that guy, & he understands that I don't wasn't somebody to replace Ivy's Father, cause nobody ever will. I don't want her to be raised with any false ideas about who her Dad is, but that doesn't mean that I can't ever be with someone because they aren't her Dad. I'm allowed to be happy, & he makes me happy... I don't have any intention of giving up on somebody who's never given up on me. Maybe we can't be together for a while, but I'm not exactly looking for anyone else. My heart is set on him, & nobody can change my mind.

She Makes Me Happy

Ivy has grown so much! She is rolling over & trying to sit up & talk. She tries to imitate expressions & sounds, she hooks her bottle by herself most of the time & she's finally on a set schedule, which absolutely blows my mind! It makes me sad to think that time has already gone by so fast, but it's so much fun watching her learn & grow. I just hope she doesn't grow up too fast, because she's all I've got right now & nothing makes me happier than knowing i grave somebody to give all of my live to, & that she's right there loving me, no matter what.

Instagrams of the Week

Instagram has become an obnoxious addiction that I can't quite tame. Boredom tends to determine my addictions lately... Fml. I hate this place.

Happy Again

This might sound really silly, but I'm so thrilled to finally be paying off my hospital bills! I set up a payment plan, & I'm taking care of it all so that when my SSN comes through, I'll have a clean slate. I can start fresh without complications from my past crippling me in the future. It's SUCH a good feeling!

Even though things have been really rough at home lately, taking some time to let loose last week was exactly what I needed to bring me back to where I need to be.  Ivy has definitely helped me through everything too. Her adorable smile & her cheeky personality have kept me going every day, even when I've struggled to get out of bed. It never ceases to amaze me how much she's grown, & continues to grow! She's munching on everything she can sink her gums into, & bottles just don't seem to be enough anymore. She's got such an appetite! She's finally getting chubby now too, & she's so content with just snuggling with me or listening to 80's rock lullaby radio on Pandora. I'm so blessed to have such an incredible little life to take care of.

I'm still waiting to hear back on our new home, but I'm really hoping it will be closer to Grandma. I know she'd love to see Ivy more often, & I miss her like crazy. She's really the only Grandma I have here, other than Grandma Heidi who is eight hours away... She's the only family member that I can confide in. She understands my decisions & she understands the hurt that has come along with them. I guess she'd know better than anyone how much it hurts to love somebody like that & let them go for what you believe is right... Even if in the end, it backfires. I  wish I hadn't been in such a painful position. Maybe then I could have at least changed the outcome of the situation in a more positive way for everyone. I guess it doesn't matter much now though. We have all moved on in our own ways, & hopefully it'll be for the best in the end.

For now, I'm just trying to focus on getting bills paid, finding a gone for me & Ivy, & spending every spare moment I have making sure she knows how much she's loved. It's hard sometimes, but every smile makes it worth it. Just holding her in my arms brings me back to Earth, & for that moment, I'm happy again.

The Cure

Tiesto was incredible. I seriously had such an incredible night! I don't think I could have spent it with better friends either. Now I know whenever I'm stressed, I just need to call Miah & go dance until my limbs are jello. Best cure in the world. You know what was even better though? Coming home to my Ivy & falling asleep with her in my arms... That girl makes everything okay again.

Another Awkward Moment

I'm an idiot. How do you accidentily vox somebody? I mean honestly. I could kick myself right now. Lately I can't seem to stop ass dialing people, & now this? That's the third person I've done that too. At least nobody heard me taking a piss. That would have been awkward. I think it's buh bye Voxer for a while... At least until my ass stops trying to have conversations with everyone. I guess it could have been worse though. It could have been like that one night... When I butt dialed somebody at the worst possible time. I don't think I'll ever live that down. My poor Mother.

Its Killing Me

Every time I hear this, I can't help but break down. Sure, it hurts to remember... But sometimes it huerta even more to forget.

Watch "BLUE OCTOBER "The Feel Again (Stay)" (HD Official Video) from ANY MAN IN AMERICA" on YouTube

Her Hatred Burns Brightly

Witchy themed Instagram shoot with my sister. Lacking in location, but the results are pretty decent considering. Enjoy!

This is Me, Take it or Leave it

I don't care what you think, I'm proud of the way I look. I'm not afraid to change to please myself, because I must certainly will not change to please anyone else.

Promises We Couldn't Keep

Just a little something I wrote a while ago that I found in a box that was buried in the garage. Its kind of personal, at least to me.. But I thought I'd share it for old times sake.

I promise to live every day as if it were our last day on Earth together, cherishing every moment regardless of the trials we face. I will be understanding & forgiving, knowing that neither of us are perfect but that working through or mistakes together is what makes our relationship so incredibly beautiful. I will treat you with the highest respect & strive every day to show you how much I appreciate you & everything you do for our daughter as well as myself. I will always be there to pick up the pieces & hold you together when the world seems like its falling apart. I will never let you feel like you aren't enough, because in my eyes you & our beautiful daughter are my everything. I will always be honest & faithful, because not only do you know me better than anyone ever has, but nobody could ever compare to the man you are to me. I know I will never be safer or happier than I am when I'm in your arms, & I couldn't be more grateful to have such a dedicated Father to or daughter or a more incredible husband to grow old with. You are the best luck I ever had & I can't wait to see what else life has to offer. Nothing will ever compare to the joy I get, knowing that I'm going to wake up every day for the rest of my life in my best friend's arms. Everything about you is so perfectly fitted to who I am. You are the piece of the puzzle that I didn't know was missing until you walked into my life. I love the way you encourage me to pursue my dreams & push me when I lose faith in myself. I love how you helped me to see the world differently, with all of is potential rather than all the negativity that I was struggling to crawl out of. You have my life meaning. You proved to me that love truly does exist, & you've helped me before a better, stronger happier person. I love you with every piece of me & I am proud to call you my best friend.

Everybody Wears One

I just found out that two of my old roommates are locked up for kidnapping & burglary. Somebody who used to be one of my closest friends, but got caught up in some really bad shit... & one of my really close friends ex boyfriends. Its a really uncomfortable thought, knowing I lived in the same apartment, partied with them years ago,  & now they've gone off the deep end. I heard that once of the charges was murder... I don't know if I want to believe that, but you never know what somebody is capable of, no matter who they are. It just goes to show that everyone wears a mask, & only the most extreme situations can show our true character. I honestly hope that when that day comes for me, I'll be strong enough to stay true to myself. I want Ivy to be proud of me... Not ashamed. I hope that the people around me remain true to themselves as well, because so few people are these days... But sometimes, the people you believe to be the cruelest, the most selfish, or the ones that seem to be cold are the ones that under the mask are just hurt, because the ones they loved weren't who they appeared to be. From this point on, I refuse to wear a mask. That way, you can take me as I am or you can watch me as I go, but at least you'll know where you stand with me.

We've Been Burned Baby

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I've been so convinced that I'm in the right is because I've been told that I am... Everyone tells me that I was totally justified in what I did, & maybe in a sense I was, but I can't help but question whether or not things would be okay if I hadn't left the way that I did.

I don't know if I would go back & change things, because  everyone's true thoughts & feelings towards me came out as a result of my leaving & I'm not sure I'd want to be part of a relationship or part of a family that its secretly harboring resentment towards me, even though its that way with my own... I do wish I could see things from their perspective though. I wish I could understand how they saw it so I could understand why they said the things they did.

I still don't understand what happened at the hospital, but as far as I understand it began because I chose to spend Christmas with my family to recover. In the end, that was ultimately the best decision I could have made, because if I hadn't gone to my Mum's that day & fallen down the stairs, I never would have known that I was still passing placenta. The Doctor said that if I had waited any longer to come into the E.R. I would have hemorrhaged. I was losing so much blood already, but never having had a baby before, I didn't know what was normal. I still ended up on bedrest for a while afterwards, but I don't dare think about what could have happened if I hadn't fallen down the stairs & gotten rushed to the hospital.

In all honesty, that morning was a but of a blur. I don't even remember what was said in the text I sent Shaun, & I'm sort of glad I don't... because I'm fairly sure I might have said some pretty effed up shit. I was so tired, so emotional, & so severely depressed all of a sudden that I still cringe at the way I acted towards so many people during that time. After getting diagnosed with post partum depression, my actions didn't seem so confusing anymore. Sure, depression doesn't justify them, but when the nurse told me that it can make the most irrational things seem completely rational & got me started on my prescription, it was easier to get a grip on reality & come back down to Earth.

I will admit, I'm still struggling to remember what was real, & what was just my fear of losing Ivy talking. When Shaun & Tami left the hospital & I was hounded by social workers, I was terrified somebody was going to take Ivy from me the way DCFS took Jax from Shaun & his family. Granted, his Dad has him now... But I couldn't stand the thought of my daughter being taken on by somebody I don't know worth shit. I mean, nothing against him but he is still a stranger to me & in all honesty, if he had taken responsibility for mine & Shaun's baby girl, I'm not sure if we would ever get to be her parents.

I wish I could have seen things the way I do now, then maybe I could have acted on real knowledge rather than irrational thoughts... But I can't change the past. If I could, I wouldn't have learned anything. Even though it still hurts sometimes knowing I really fucked things up, I know there was a lot more to the end of my relationship with Shaun that just that day at the hospital or that text on Christmas day. I can't dwell on the past for the rest of my life, but I'm learning from it & ultimately the experience will make me a better Mother as long as I use the future as an opportunity to change, rather than to wallow in self pity & anger towards those that were involved, because in all reality... They've been burned just as badly as I have.

What a Doll

I Just Don't Wanna Feel

I'm tired of hurting. I wish there was a way I could simply turn my humanity off so I'd never have to feel again, but it isn't that simple. Sometimes I think that I'm okay... But in all reality, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll always be this miserable... This ALONE. I can't trust anyone, so who could I possibly turn to? The only one who ever really understood me is too broken to get involved in my problems, & I can't blame him because I was the one who broke him. Well, I suppose I was the last to break him... Because I'm not quite sure that he was ever really whole in the first place.

I never thought I'd be wasting my life feeling this way... Paying for my mistakes to the point that its impossible to move forward from them. They say that we are products of our past, bit we don't have to be prisoners of it. They're wrong... Some of us can't help ourselves, because sometimes the past is all we have left. Sometimes the only good part of our lives is our memories. Its tragic, but sometimes we don't have any reason to keep fighting. True, I have Ivy... But sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not enough. I want more than I could every dream of giving her. She deserves the world on a silver platter & UK never be able to give her that... But that won't stop me from trying.

I just want to know that there is more to life than heartbreak & the endless longing for somebody to love, & somebody who will return that love. After today, I'm not sure anybody is capable of true love. It just goes to show that you really can't trust anyone & that even when things seem to be looking up, reality will always kick back in & remind us how miserable we really are. Human beings are so pathetic. Weak creatures of habit... Some things can be changed, but in the end it seems to be our worst traits that define who we are as individuals. I fall too hard & trust too easily, which resulted in a miserable cycle of failed relationships. I'm not sure I could trust myself to be I'm another relationship... After the last one, I'm beginning to realize that I will always be broken. Ivy really is all I have to live for. If I didn't have her, I would have given up long ago. She's my life. She saved me from myself. That's more than I deserve.

It Burns

So much for family. As if I haven't been lied to enough by people that I've loved... Now I'm bring lied to by somebody who I should have been able to trust & respect. Somebody that should be thinking about his children before himself. If he wants to choose somebody that has only ever hurt his family over his own children, then fine... But he's going to lose me & Ivy.

It hurt more than anything when he turned to me & asked how I could have been so stupid to love Shaun after everything he had done, but he did the same thing to his family & then wondered why we weren't embracing him. I wasn't stupid to believe that somebody could change for the better... I was stupid to watch him continue making the same mistakes without taking a stand. I will always love my Dad, but he burned me more than Shaun ever did & that is something I'm not sure I could ever forgive.

We All Need a Little Change

For the past three years, my hair has been short. I've had every short style imaginable, every color, every length (even buzzed), & for the past three years, everyone has been BEGGING me to grow my hair out. For the past year, I've been trying to do just that, but the process has been slow & miserable... So... I got extensions. And no, I didn't pay for them. They were a birthday present from my Mum, & is taken me quite some time to make them but I finally got the chance last night & here its the result;

Runaway

I can't help but count the days until I can get the Hell out of dodge & back to everyone & everything that had kept me same these past few years. Living out here is turning me into somebody I can't help but resent & ever since I had to move out here, my relationship with my family has been going down the drain. I can't stand it. Sometimes I think the only true family I have is Ivy & Grandma. Everyone else's love seems to be conditional, & that isn't what family is.

I don't know what will happen with all of my stuff... I'm tired of having to get rid of everything I own in order to keep a roof over my head, but at least all of Ivy's things will take up enough room for the both of us. As long as we have a good home & its far away from this Hell hole, I really won't complain. I do appreciate my Mum letting me stay, but I really wish I could have stayed with Grandma. I was actually happy there. Here... I'm fucking miserable. I've never felt at home with my family, & maybe its because we have so many drastic differences but I'm not one for families. Families will cut you deeper than anyone else possibly could, because family are the ones that are supposed to care.

I wish I could run away from all of my problems. I wish that I didn't have to worry about taking responsibility for all if my mistakes, & that I didn't care so much about people.. But the truth is, I'm a big girl now. I'm a Mother, & I will never ever walk out on my daughter or put myself before her & her needs. She's my everything, & I wouldn't dream of treating her like she was any less. I know where my properties lie, & even if it hurts... Even if it means losing the people I love, I will stand by what I know is right.