Bipolar Baby

I really wanted to believe that things were looking up. We've worked so hard to make a better life together that I don't see why things shouldn't get better. I just don't dare get my hopes up anymore... we've been let down so many times that I'm sick & tired of the constant disappointment. You would think that maybe one or two things would work out once in a while, but nooooooo. We're those lucky ones who get fucked every time we put our faith in something.

At this point I'm afraid to make any plans at all in case they end up falling through. I'm not even sure I want to plan our wedding... I don't even know if we'll be able to have one at this point. I know I need to keep my chin up, but it's getting harder to when everything keeps falling apart. Maybe if somebody would actually give Shaun work, we'd be able to see things in a more positive light, but until then things seem to fall apart more often than come together.

Thankfully we finally have a roof over our head where we can live day to day as adults rather than tip toe past my Mother's constant disapproving glare. I never felt like we could please her, & when she decided to kick Shaun out it just proved it. She will never be satisfied with us, no matter what we do, no matter how much we change... I'll never be her ideal daughter. I'm done trying to please her. Now it's time to live for myself, & it's almost surprising how much I've accomplished since we left. Not only am I on the way to getting proper prenatal care for Ivy & myself, but I am working towards getting my Green Card & I have this first month's rent taken care of. I have accomplished more in a week of being here than two months of being there. It just goes to show that I'm not incapable of taking care of myself like she thinks.

Honestly, I love living here. I feel like I can be myself, I have as much space as I need, I can sleep & wake up when I need or want to, & I still manage to accomplish what I set out to do. I live by my own schedule, & it doesn't affect anyone negatively. Not even me. I even managed to make enough money for a new camera! Now I can finally get back to my photography, which is something I've been wanting to do for so long now... I can do something I love, & earn the money to save for my baby girl. I am so so proud of myself. These past couple weeks may have been a real strain on me & Ivy & Shaun, but we're going to come out so much stronger. I can already feel the difference in myself. I can't wait to show Shaun how confident I feel... because this is something I don't think I've ever felt before. I feel strong, I feel beautiful, & I feel like I can do practically anything I set my mind to. I've learned to face myself & my fears, now I'm ready to face the world... because I finally know who I am.