Someone Worth Fighting For

 I've never felt so lucky. Even considering the fact that I've been sleeping in the back of a truck & in hotels off & on for the past month or so, & in a car for even longer... I still have my best friend standing right next to me... pushing through all of the bullshit with me & reminding me what we're fighting for every single day. Proving to me that even though it's tough, & even though it feels like we might not be going anywhere anytime soon, even the smallest, simplest results are worth it.

I honestly thought he'd leave again. I had lost all faith in myself & in everyone else around me that I was scared to believe that he'd still be there. But here he is, laying out in the truck waiting patiently for me while I let it all out on this ridiculously slow library computer. After my last pregnancy, I was terrified that another one would tear us apart, but it's made us even stronger. I had never expected any good to come out of an unplanned pregnancy, but the thought of having a teeny tiny baby Shaun or baby Lea has brought us a lot closer together. I'm so so grateful that I have somebody so incredible taking care of me & working alongside me to make a better future for ourselves & our little Gremlin... yes, we refer to it as the Gremlin. Don't judge.

Things might be almost unbearable right now... & it might be hard to keep it together, but he's doing an incredible job of keeping me from falling apart. He makes me smile, even when I can't stop the tears from drenching my face & he makes me laugh when I feel like punching holes in walls. He's the best friend anyone could ever ask for, & I'm lucky enough to have him in my life as something even more than that. He's my lover, my boyfriend, & the father of my child. I couldn't ask for a better friend than Shaun.

With him in my life again, I finally feel like I can look to the future again. It doesn't scare me as much anymore... we can make plans & look into getting our own place & actually imagine something better than this. Somewhere far away from here. We can make a new life for ourselves, & I can honestly say, that is something worth fighting for. My best friend & our baby... they're worth fighting for. They're my everything, & I couldn't imagine real happiness without them. This is what my life was meant to be, & I owe it all to him.

Missing Montana

The One

Baby, we were never meant to last

We'll die too young for living fast

The darkness inside tore us apart

But you'll always have a piece of my heart

I wish we had a second chance

You're the one I want to hold

Under the stars we used to dance

Until the nights grew cold

It's Always Been You

I'm scared baby... I'm afraid of losing you. I know that isn't what you want but you might not have any other choice, & it's killing me. I don't want to watch you fade away anymore. You're the only one that's ever filled the emptiness inside of me... the only one that ever will.  If I lose you, I'll be missing the most important part of me. You're the glue that's held me together for so long. My every thought & emotion is somehow wrapped around you, & I'm terrified to know what I'll become if you're gone. 

I'm praying there's another way. I know I don't believe in God, but I'm here screaming at the sky, hoping that it will make some small difference. How could everything go so wrong when everything was so perfect? We had two weeks together where we were both happy, & we were working towards a better future together, & then... everything went downhill. The way it always seems to when something's perfect. I should have remembered that nothing can remain perfect, because there is no beauty in perfection. We thrive on chaos & destruction... we always have. But why does it hurt so much this time around?

I think we're finally coming to the realization that nobody really cares whether we're happy or not, or even if we're together or not. They only really give a shit about winning. They want to succeed, & they'll do whatever it takes, & hurt whoever is in their way to ensure they get exactly what they want. In this case, if everything goes the way I'm praying it doesn't today... Syd would have won. Yeah, you'll have your baby boy but... will you be happy? Will Jax be happy growing up seeing his parents put on fake smiles around each other & pretending that they're perfectly happy together? Maybe I'm just overthinking everything, but if I know you... you're a brilliant actor. You can pretend everything's okay & nobody would suspect otherwise. You could go for years if you had to, but that doesn't mean you should have to.

You deserve to be happy. I know having Jax in your life is what you want more than anything, & if letting Sydney win is what it takes to get him back, I want you to do what you think is right. Maybe I'm being selfish right now... but I'm scared of hurting anymore. I can't numb myself like I used to, & every time I've lost you, it hurts a little more. If I lose you one more time it'll tear me apart. My reason for smiling, the reason I left such a bad lifestyle behind... the only reason I've been really truly happy, & the reason I now know what love is... will be gone. What's left after that? I might as well be hollow.

It's always been you... since the first day I met you, something changed in me. I don't want to watch it disappear like everything else that has ever mattered to me, & nothing has ever mattered to me as much as you. You made me better. Maybe not the best, but the best parts of me happened when you came along. Maybe that's wrong. I don't really care anymore. I want you to be happy more than anything, but at the same time I want to be selfish... loving you, it's hard to be. I have to put what you want & what you need first. Nothing else matters to me. Even if it means breaking down in the shower everyday or crying myself to sleep every night, as long as you have what you want & what you need, it'll be worth it. You've always been worth it... & always will.

Never Thought I'd be So Happy...

I'm Where I Need to Be

I'm so unbelievably content with my life. Not only do I have an incredible family that has my back no matter what, but I'm in love with my best friend & he loves me. I couldn't ask for more. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, & although I could complain about my lack of nicotine, why bother? I'm not going to let the amount of cancer sticks I go through in a day define the way I feel. I'm so incandescently happy... I haven't felt this way in such a long time, if ever. I might have been lost there for a while, but my baby boy helped me find my way back. Now I'm on the right track, & it feels fucking great.

Now that I know what it takes to get my life in order, I'm moving forward. Nothing can hold me back from achieving my goals & making something of myself. I want to do something with my life, but for now I'm still young. I still want to live, & experience all that I can. I want to dream as if I'll live forever & live as if today was my last day. I don't care if it means coming home at five in the morning or running out of gas in the middle of nowhere & walking ten miles to a gas station, as long as every single day is an adventure... & I know that if I spend it with Shaun, it really will be.