I'm Changing

What do you think of the new me?

"Protège-Moi"

Sometimes I hate being alone... Not because I get lonely, but because I need to be protected from what I want. Hell, half the time I don't even know what I want, but when I do... It's always something I can never have... Simply because it'll hurt me more than it could ever make me happy.

Have you ever loved something so much it hurt? Have you ever tried to forget... To push past the pain because you believed with all your heart & soul that it was worth the fight, even though you knew that you could never win? My life is one big lie, because I have to pretend that I'm okay living like this. With being alone... Being the only one that fought, even though I lost. Ivy is all I have left, & I love her with all my heart, but I'm tired of living with the memories. I just want to forget everything, so it doesn't hurt to look at her anymore. I want somebody to truly care about me... No other women... Just me. Why is that too much to ask? I guess I'm still too broken to try again, but the other day I heard this story that got me thinking:

Originally when we were designed, we were given four legs, four arms, a single head with two faces, & one soul. Zeus then divided us in half, _
& that is why we as humans feel incomplete... We are forever searching for the one who holds the other half of our soul. That is where the concept of soulmates came from.

Maybe there is somebody out there for me. Maybe I'm giving up too soon... But it isn't wrong to miss being loved, is it? I give everything for my daughter to ensure her happiness, but I'm still alone. I know I'm still young, but I kinda got a head start on life when I became a Mum. I just don't want to be like my parents & lose my soulmate halfway through my life either. I guess all I can really do is be patient, cause I'm not settling for any less than I deserve.

Never Love a Wicked Thing

The world is full of monsters... some are beautiful, cloaked in darkness & solitude. Others are cruel & twisted, existing only to drag you down to the fiery depths we know as Hell. It seems so harmless at first, to converse with the shadows. Nothing compares to the cold rush you feel when you exchange words, or a simple touch with something you thought so forbidden. Some may consider us a privileged few. We know better. We are the lone wanderers. The nowhere men. The cursed.

Growing up you learn to thrive on the darkness. As infants, it helps us develop. As we get older, we are taught to fear it. We notice something strange & uninviting about it & not even our curiosity could get the better of us. We beg our parents to check our closets & underneath our beds, never imagining that the only thing we need fear is the monster growing from within us. The haunting voice pawing at the back of minds is the mother we never knew. She is bringing Hell to our world & raising an army. We are her soldiers. Her legacy... & my blue eyed devil... her masterpiece. He will set fire to everything we know & love, & all that will remain is ash. Those lucky enough to be left standing will rise from it & crawl in the chaos he left in his wake. His gift to the survivors is the destruction of the weak. The world is his playground, & eventually we must learn to accept it or fail in our attempt to fight it.

Happy Easter!

I know that I'm two days late, but I just had to share this darling photo of Ivy & her new favorite stuffed animal from her Grandma. She's been sleeping with him since I took her home on Sunday & has made many attempts to start a conversation with him, but I'm not quite sure she's realized that he can't respond! A big thank you to Great Grandma & Grandma from Ivy & I for her lovely gifts. As you can see, they're greatly appreciated!

Whatever Happens

What Would it Take?

I can't believe its April already. Ivy is growing so fast & learning so quickly that I can hardly keep up! In the past week she has learned to roll all the way over & then back again, she knows how to scoot until something its in her reach & she's learning to sit up (I have to help her stay sitting up), but it blows my mind how someone so tiny can do so much. She's getting kinda chubby too. I love it!

Even in the midst of all this chaos, she still helps me stay grounded. She never ceases to make me smile & playing with her & watching her grow a little more every day brings so much joy into my life. That little girl has wrapped herself around my heart, & I couldn't think of anything more important to fight for. Although I know that I have to fight for my happiness as well as hers, her happiness makes me so much happier.

I made myself a promise that I'd get my GED, my drivers license, buy a car, & get on my feet by her first birthday, & I intend to keep that promise. She deserves a better life, & I'll do everything in my power to give it to her. Its going to be a tough year, but luckily I have an incredible support system to help me through it all, & Ivy has so many that love her & will help me ensure that all of her needs are met. Its tough being a single Mum, but it is SO rewarding! Getting my SSN is going to open up so many doors for us, & if one of those doors is a fresh start, I'll take it. I'm not the same person I was a year ago, or even four months ago, & I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with the people who are convinced that people don't change.

Change is possible. It just takes determination, motivation, & something that makes it all worth it. Ivy is worth changing my attitude, my lifestyle, & my environment for. What would it take to change your life? You can email me your life changing stories to sweetliltragedy@gmail.com & I will be happy to share them!