Who I Am

If it isn't the ending that matters, but the story itself... I figure I may as well make it a good one. My life has had it's ups & downs, it's successes & it's failures, it's heartbreak & it's fair share of overwhelming happiness, but everything I've been through & everyone I've encountered in my life has contributed to who I am today & who I will become. I have no regrets, because I have learned from my mistakes & allowed them to help me grow. Now I can take on this new chapter in my life with confidence, knowing I'm finally at peace with who I am.

Some of the Keys to Success

"Success is believing in yourself, then convincing everyone else that you're right."

Define your own success.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

Best well the burden of success.

You can never be too rich.

Be generous of spirit.

Be humble.

Be real.

Know your core values.

Childhood Memories

Just thought I'd share a collage of some photos my cousin Amy found of me as a toddler living in England. Can you believe how blonde I was?!

Independence

I can't believe that Christmas is coming up on us so quickly now! It's a little overwhelming to be honest, because I still haven't booked any photo shoots to pay for my siblings gifts & I could have Ivy anytime now. I would really love to be able to be the big sister who spoils her siblings every time she visits & has a great relationship with all of them, but considering my past... I'm not sure that will ever be a possibility. Hannah will always have this hatred towards me for leaving & she will always be waiting for me to disappoint her. That's the last thing I want to do, but when she pushes me away I have very few options. If I push to be there, she hits me with everything she's got & if I don't push hard enough, I "just don't care". I can't win.

Maybe things will change once Ivy gets here. Maybe my sisters can forgive me so I can be there for them & make up for the mistakes I've made in the past. Maybe Shaun will make enough drastic changes that he can start to make things right with the people he's burned... & maybe, just maybe things will start looking up. Now that I have my passport, I can send off for my ITIN so I can get my drivers license & my own bank account. Once I have that, we can focus on getting my Green card so I can really start living & I can provide for my daughter just as much as her Father. I'm tired of being dependent on others for survival. I want to live. I want to be able to take care of myself & my family instead of waiting on somebody else to do it for me. Once I have the tools to do that, nothing can hold me back from being the very best I can be. I want to be happy, & I won't settle for anything less.

Sad, but True

A New Chapter

I'm not going to lie... These past few weeks have been HELL. Watching my family fall apart, spending Thanksgiving weekend doped up & in a neck brace, Shaun walking back into my life & totally surprising me, my step brother spending almost a week in the hospital, & now last night my sister was in the ER. I can't keep up with all of this chaos!

I know ultimately I'll be stronger for it. I just wish that I didn't have to see the people I love hurt so much. I feel so helpless here, & although my priority should be myself & Ivy, it's hard to focus when everyone else around me is falling to pieces. That's my FAMILY. I should be able to be there to support them & help them through this. I can't stand sitting on the sidelines while I wait for my daughter to be born, just so I know where I stand & what I'm capable of doing. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I just started getting close to my family again... I don't want to lose that bond. I've been struggling to gain it back for years, & I am not willing to give it up. Regardless of how difficult thing get. Regardless of how much I have to juggle. That is my family & they are a priority in my book.

I just hope things start to look up sooner rather than later. It's not long until Christmas & the kids need something to look forward to. I'm doing everything I can to find work so I can help them have a memorable Holiday instead of a disappointment, because this is the year our family fell apart... But we aren't falling apart. We're simply branching out in a different direction. We're beginning a new chapter of our lives & as painful as it is, maybe... Just maybe, it'll end up being the best thing that ever happened to us. It's almost impossible to imagine that, but it's all I have to hold on to. That & maybe Ivy will be what makes everybody that much stronger. She's been my saving grace. Maybe she can do the same for the people I love. I guess only time will tell, but I'm praying that this new life is going to be a good life. I can't afford anymore disappointment.