Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy

Love, You Beautiful Bastard

I can honestly say that I have never felt more alive than I have in the past two & a half months. I've done some things that I regret & lost some friends that meant the world to me, but I am genuinely happy to be alive & belong to somebody that even after everything that happened between us, still believes that we're a hopeless cause worth fighting for... that our daughter deserves to have a real family, even if it is pretty damn dysfunctional. I couldn't be more proud of all the changes Shaun has made, & I feel lucky knowing that he made them for Ivy & I.

So here we are, at the beginning of a new chapter. It's been a wild ride, but it's been well worth it. I have the love of my life, we have our beautiful daughter, & every morning I can wake up knowing that despite every trial I've faced, every friend & family member that I've lost, & every time I've felt like giving up, I have something worth fighting for. Love.

My Angel & Me - More Family Photos

Life & I? Yeah, We're Best Buds

I'm just going to start this post off by telling you that I feel REALLY good about life right now! It's as if something awakened in me this morning that opened my eyes to a world of opportunities that I have absolutely NO intention of passing up. I'm totally rocking life as a single Mum, & even though it's a struggle sometimes, I always come out on top, stronger than ever. Ivy is by far, my greatest blessing & I have no intention of taking that for granted. Life is short, but I'm still young & I've got a lot of fight left in me. Despite what the ghosts of my past might think, I'm ready for whatever life has to throw at me.

No more games. I might be young, but that doesn't mean I should be wasting my time. I have SO much potential, so why not put it to use? Time to study harder, get my business cards printed, sweat more, & prove to myself & the world that I'm so much more than the British plig kid who got knocked up at eighteen. I don't care who tries to bring me down. I'll be so busy making something of myself that I won't have time for their bullshit comments. I've got some pretty incredible people in my life, & they are behind me one hundred percent of the way. There is no finish line, so love the journey.

Sneak Peek from Our Shoot!

Here's a quick peek at our Mother/daughter shoot with Josh Wees tonight at the American Fork Amphitheater. Ivy was such a doll! I can't wait to see the rest so I can share them with all of you!

Today I'm Grateful For...

I never really imagined that I would be a single parent one day. Hell, I'm not sure I ever thought about being a parent in the first place, but life has a way of surprising you like that. I guess I had always hoped that if in fact I became a Mother someday, that there would be a Father in the picture... but that's not exactly how it happened. To be perfectly honest, it's been a challenge raising Ivy on my own so far. The late nights, the days in a row without sleep, the constant feeding & changing... the lack of social interaction, the lack of freedom. It's been really hard for me, but not as hard as I thought it would be. Ivy always made it worth it.

I can't tell you enough how much she has helped me to change for the better. Every smile & every milestone that she reaches pushes me to better myself in ways I never would have considered before now. I don't regret getting pregnant at eighteen. I don't regret who the Father was, because I wouldn't have my Ivy... I'd just have some other baby, & it wouldn't be the same. I don't regret what we had, because it gave me the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, & I wouldn't trade that for the world. Given the chance, I wouldn't do it differently. It's what made me the person I am today, & even though being a single parent is a struggle, it's the most rewarding experience anyone could possibly have.

Today, I'm grateful to be the single Mother of my beautiful Ivy Rose.

Bath Time for Princess

We're Young

It hurts too much, I'm looking for a crutch. Just any boy just for a touch... I let my angst out, I let myself go... & when I let myself down, I swag it out. Baby boy, I'd like to dance. I'm just looking for a brief romance. What's wrong with that? I'm young, forgive me. I'll live fast, die a legend. Oh... forgive us for what we have done. We're young, we're young, we're young. Forgive us, we're young. We're young...

True art exists only through suffering. Pain is what we relate to... it's what shapes us, grows us, & teaches us. Without pain, we would never know happiness or love. Before we can become flowers, we must first go through a whole lot of dirt. Before we can spread our wings & fly, we must bear the burden of being a slimy caterpillar. We will always feel pain throughout our lives, but it's up to us whether or not we create something beautiful from it.

I've Got This!

I'm not as disciplined as you might think... I love food. Food is my vice. I'll eat my feelings, I'll eat out of boredom... I'll eat for the sake of eating, & it's a horrible habit that I have had to break over the past couple weeks, so to prevent insanity, I allow myself one cheat meal a week... as long as I still eat the right portion sizes & on the condition that I burn off whatever I take into my body, which means I have one Hell of a run ahead of me tonight! It'll be a great burn though, & it'll wake me up so I can focus on getting my homework done. I've been procrastinating WAY too much, & with it being due on the 29th, I absolutely have to finish it. There are no more excuses!

Life as a single Mum is hard. Especially when you're trying to stay fit, eat right, get through school, & take care of a little person all at the same time. Want to know my secret? I remind myself that nothing worth having comes easy. I repeat it to myself under my breath as I run, or while I struggle to keep up with my exercise video. I have to tell myself that when Ivy is fussing & I'm trying to focus on my homework. It's rough sometimes, but there will always be somebody busier than me making the time to get things done, so why can't I? I'm up before seven every single day, & my daughter is in bed before nine at night. I'm pretty damn positive that I can make time to exercise. I'm sure I could get through college if I really wanted to. I can't let time pass me by without accomplishing SOMETHING.

I've set my goals, & I WILL accomplish them. No matter how much I sweat, bleed, or cry. If I'm not dead, I have no reason to give up. I've got this shit!

Motivational Quote of the Day

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
- Harriet Beecher Stowe

No Regrets

I'm Not Sorry

If you forget the way to go & lose where you came from... if no one is standing beside you, be still & know I am. Be still & know that I'm with you. Be still & know I am.

"I'm not sorry that I met you. I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything. You've been a terrible person. You made all the wrong choices, & of all the choices I've made, this will prove to be the worst one, but I am not sorry that I'm in love with you."

Committed to the Game

Some people will cut out junk food, maybe lose an inch or two, but continue to wonder why they still don't have perfectly flat tummies & a perky ass. Some people will spend hours at the gym every day & pig out on junk food, & they might have some muscle... but the fat is still there underneath. It takes a healthy diet & regular exercise to maintain a good weight & a good looking body, which is why I'm not cheating. I'm 100% committed to shedding the extra pounds & toning up. From this moment on, I'm a "no excuses" type of woman. If I want this badly enough, I won't let anything or anyone hold me back or tell me that I can't do it, because I can & I WILL.

Of course, there will always be haters that will point out my flaws. Somebody will point out my stretch marks or my huge hips, but I'm proud of the way that I am built & I am especially proud of the marks that show the world that I'm a Mother. I'm not out to impress anybody, because if somebody really loved me, they would take me as I am. I'm on a mission to prove to myself, my daughter, my friends & my family that I, Leah Taylor am one tough bitch. I don't need a man to be successful or happy, & I definitely don't need one to hold me back. I'm independent, I'm strong, I'm happy, & I WILL be fit, I WILL be healthy, I WILL be successful, & I WILL show the world what I'm made of. I'm committed to the game, & I'm 100% committed to bettering myself. NO EXCUSES!

Getting Fit

Eat, Drink, & Be Merry

Out with the Old

I've come to the realization that I'm not happy with the way I am. At least not outside of being a Mother. I've spent so much time trying to be the best Mum that I can be that I've forgotten to take care of myself, & it's resulted in low self esteem & bad habits such as eating too little or too much, not enough sleep, too little exercise & chain smoking. About three days ago I woke up & decided that things needed to change. That I must be the best person I can be in order to be the best Mother I can be, because lets face it, if you don't take care of yourself, how are you supposed to have the strength & energy to take care of somebody else? Especially when that somebody requires so much love & attention.

I started on the fifteenth. I went out & bought fruit, vegetables, chicken & salmon & haven't touched (nor do I intend to touch), any junk food or sugary snacks. On the twentieth I will begin working out every day. It'll be a combination of kickboxing, hooping, yoga, & a LOT of walking, which will help me tone up & shed those extra pounds left over from Ivy. It'll be rough, but I'm determined to do whatever it takes to reach my full potential physically as well as mentally & emotionally, which is why I will also be meditating twice a day. I know I'll get discouraged, but the results in the end will be worth it & THAT will push me to accomplish my goals, which are;

1. Tone up legs, butt, abs, arms, back & chest
2. Lose 30 lbs by the end of August
3. Build up some muscle in my arms, legs & abs
4. Continue to eat only healthy foods (with one cheat day a month)
5. Get at least eight hours of sleep a night 

Some have accused me of aiming too high, or suggested that I take it slow, but I'm done creeping through each day with nothing to show for it. I want results! I am determined, I am dedicated, & I am disciplined, & if anybody has the nerve to suggest otherwise, they can eat my sweaty gym shorts when I prove them wrong. I've been too lazy for too long, & it's about time that I show myself & everybody else what I'm made of.

I'll still be working on getting my diploma, as well as learning to drive & looking for work, but I KNOW that I can accomplish anything I set out to do. There will always be somebody busier than me that still finds the time to exercise & eat right, so there are no excuses. I WILL lose weight, I WILL tone up, & I WILL strengthen my mental, emotional, & physical health this summer. I'm making these changes now so that Ivy doesn't have the same struggles with her weight & self confidence in the future as I do. I'm going to make myself proud, & I'm going to show Ivy what us Taylor girls are made of. 

Wish me luck!

Those Eyes...

A Poem from My Daddy

Little Ivy looked up at the face

of the one who brought her to earth
the one whose love made her
who'd been there from her birth

Little Ivy looked up at the eyes
of the one who always cared for her
who always would be there
who would all their love confer

Little Ivy knew that who she saw
protected her tho' she was small
and that her wonderful mother
would always be there through it all

Hear Me Now

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster."

                               As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
                           I wear my crown of thorns and pull the knife out my chest.

I keep searching for something that I never seem to find.
But maybe I won’t, because I left it all behind.
Now I’m stuck with this, and that’ll never change
Always a part of me, until the very last day.

Where to go from here? What road to travel on?
I spent my whole life choosing, and I always chose wrong.
Will I try to have the will to be alive?
Will I try because I’ve never seen the light?
Blow it to the ground and it’s now you see,
You spent your whole life taking the best of me

Where’d you go? Where’s your home?
How’d you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There’s no light, there’s no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you’re underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

How long can I keep pretending to be?
That all the stars in the sky could mean something to me.
Heaven will open up if I live on my knees.
A man of many words, but a man of few deeds.
Walking these streets, so absent of hope.

A pillow of concrete, a man with no home.
Lend him a hand, then we’re walking the way.
Leave the virtue of pity, but we live with the shame.
So scared to dream in a world with no sunlight.
When you wake up, you know it’s darker than last night.
Quickly we forget, sacrifice gone by.
Born to walk away, been walking my whole life.

Where’d you go? Where’s your home?
How’d you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There’s no light, there’s no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you’re underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

Look into my eyes and I see
What do I see? Nothing at all
Take another look around me
What do I see? Nothing at all

Where’d you go? Where’s your home?
How’d you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There’s no light, there’s no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you’re underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

Can you hear me? Hear me now

Reviews

As uninteresting as it might sound, I'm going to start reviewing the products that I buy & use on a regular basis. I figure that as much as I read reviews before investing in something helps me, maybe it'll help you make a decision before you waste your dough on something you've never tried before as well. For example; I just ordered an Android smartphone from StraightTalk. I was trying to decide between three different phones, & the reviews on the one I chose were exceptional. BUT... you never really know until you try the product yourself. So, I will be reviewing the Huawei Ascend II for StraightTalk after a week of using it, & then will review it again after a month once I've gotten the hang of it & experienced any flaws on a regular basis. Hopefully then any of you who have been considering buying the phone will feel more comfortable with making a decision about investing in it.

I will also review other electronics, makeup, hair products, facial washes, & Ivy's more expensive baby toys for all you Mum's out there looking for something to entertain your little one. If you'd like me to review a product for you, or maybe review your business, you can contact me at sweetlittletragedy@gmail.com & I will try to shed some light on things.